Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
