in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
