if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
