Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
