just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
