I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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