i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
