I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
