Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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