I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
