Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
