your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
