i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize