if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
