I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
