at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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