He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
