She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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