I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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