remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Randomize
