Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
