A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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