it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
