The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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