I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
