She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
