Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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