just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize