Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize