Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
