HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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