took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
