I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
