did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
