A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where is the hickey?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need water and some morals
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
