just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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