he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
