That's intense
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize