I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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