If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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