Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize