Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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