I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
