There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
