He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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