why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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