I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
