Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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