i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
