I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
