you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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