doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
