What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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