i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
