and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
