My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
