i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
