Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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