Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
